If you’re running a business and don’t know anything about Social Media, first, who are you? How can that be? Second, don’t be fooled into thinking you can “get by” with little-to-no budget for content, strategies, and social CRM. It’s a big job, and you will fail faster than you will succeed. And failing is sticky in social networks. What’s your reputation worth?
Everything I know about parenting… I learned from Eddie Murphy.
“You brought that shit on yourself.”
This is a fundamental truth that can’t be denied. Every behaviour (good or evil) that my kids have ever flirted with over the years, ultimately comes back to something that I did or didn’t do. (Like beat their backsides.)
When my daughter was about 5 or 6 years old, and testing my patience at bedtime with her sassy, finger-waggin’, talkin’-back, grumpy, drama-princess shenanigans, I put her to her room. Of course she wanted to discuss/negotiate the terms of this bedtime confinement, and I was having none of it. The noise from her mouth would just not stop. It was soul-sucking. When finally, at the brink of my despair, I expressed my discontent in a screamo pitch that set off all the car alarms in the neighbourhood.
NOT. ANOTHER. WORD.
A slam of the door, and then sweet, blessed silence. Brilliant silence. Ahh… I had had the last word. I won. I was in control. I almost wanted to rejoice in song. (I may or may not have danced a jig.)
As the minutes of silence continued to stretch out, I had hoped and assumed that she had finally gone to bed. Bent to the will of my awesome parenting, she succumbed to doing as she was told. I smiled triumphantly as I came upstairs and got myself ready for bed—all the while mentally preparing my long-winded acceptance speech for the parent-of-the-year award. It was then that I saw it. A single piece of paper sprawled across my pillow. It conveyed a significant message, but not a word was used.
I brought that shit on myself.
Filed under parenting, Uncategorized
Awareness is hidden in plain sight: This is water
This video excerpt from a speech, delivered by David Foster Wallace at Kenyon College in 2005, encapsulates exactly what I hope that I’m teaching my children every day of their lives. Learn to think; to be aware. You do not have to operate on the default setting. The rat-race is bullshit, yo.
Look deeper. Awareness is hidden in plain sight.
Filed under Awesome, world news
Curious George is my new Gym membership
Two weeks ago, I adopted a rescued Great Dane named George. I knew he’d be big, but you really can’t comprehend how big, until he’s nosing around on top of the fridge or settled in for the night in your bed.
There is also a considerable amount of saliva.
Long, stringy, mesmerizing loogies that dangle precariously at varying heights from his excessively long grumpy-cat lips.
It pools on the floor in unobvious places that are only detectable by bare feet. It is also, seemingly, evaporation-resistant. It will stay there for days, still as wet and slimy as the day it was deposited. Although, this same saliva crystalizes on countertops, tables, shoes, skin… and the TV.
I had this romantic notion that Great Danes were gentle giants who did everything in slow motion with undying love and affection in their eyes. George is clumsy, believes “whoa” means “go faster”, and has not a care in the world to the frailty of my old bones as he drags me down a forest trail hill clocking 12 miles an hour. [Note to self: Let go of the leash.]
Two walks a day, morning and night, whether I want to or not. 2 miles of pushing, pulling, tugging, and plenty of “NO!” “Stop that!” “Get your head out of there” and of course the largely misunderstood “WHOA!”
Who needs a gym membership? My arms are so sore I can no longer lift a slice of bread to my mouth. My hips have rotated out of their sockets from windmilling downhill faster than any human ever should. My back is a twisted, knotted mess from curling into a ball to sleep on the top right corner of my pillow, which is my current nightly allotment.
And it’s not free exercise either. Much like a gym membership, there are dues to pay. A Great Dane eats a lot. I mean.. A LOT.
Then there’s the poop. Two shopping bags full. Not the sweet little black poopy bags you see other dog owners discharging from their pet utility belts like some dog-walking ninjas. Oh no, I’m talkin’ large, awkward plastic grocery bags. You know the kind your fingernails can inadvertently punch a hole through? Yeah, those.
And don’t even get me started on the eye boogers.
Filed under Awesome, Uncategorized
Bill Cosby: My wife was a beautiful woman… before the children came.
My oldest is graduating high school this year and heading off to college in the fall. In the last six months he has gone from an innocent baby of 5 minutes old… to an experienced man of the world. There have been a lot of firsts for both of us this year. And as I cling to the shreds of my sanity whilst helping him to navigate this new stage of his life—I’m reminded of an old Bill Cosby bit. (Yes, I’m that old. )
Funny how these things get stuck in your head after all these years. I had the original record—Himself—from 1982 as a teenager and used to play it after dinner in my room on my fancy new York stereo turntable. You know, before TV? As a teenager, I thought this was hysterical for an entirely different set of reasons. Oh, the innocence of my youth.
Now, back to my current read…
Filed under parenting
Growing your own food is like printing your own money #plusyougetstrawberries
Ron Finley says that food is the problem, and food is the solution. It’s time to manufacture our own reality. Gardening is therapeutic, it’s art, it’s in our DNA. Children that grow kale… will EAT kale. Let’s get eco-lutionary, become manufactured-food renegades, gangsta gardeners… and let’s make it sexy.
“If you ain’t a gardener, you ain’t gangsta. Get gangsta with your shovel… and let that be your weapon of choice” – Ron Finley, 2013.
It’s time to #plantsomeshit.
Ron Finley plants vegetable gardens in South Central LA — in abandoned lots, traffic medians, along the curbs. Why? For fun, for defiance, for beauty and to offer some alternative to fast food in a community where “the drive-thrus are killing more people than the drive-bys.”
Filed under Awesome, world news
Skinny Bitch, Skinny Lies: Beware of vegan and vegetarian agenda
Remember when Oprah exposed James Frey’s Million Little Lies… er, Pieces? The latest New York Times best seller, Skinny Bitch, is following in those footsteps as public skepticism turns to anger at the self-proclaimed “know-it-all” author who is selling her biased opinion (along with misinformation) to a hungry audience desperate for weight-loss. (Can you tell that irks me?) I mean, the strong should protect the weak, shouldn’t they? Tell the whole truth, and nothin’ but? Who’s with me? I’m all for a good novel, but if it’s your opinion you’re writing about, be upfront and honest and let people know that they need to research what’s right for them. Don’t sell your opinion as the gospel of how to get skinny… that’s like waving crack under the nose of an addict. And SKINNY? Aren’t we trying to stop perpetuating the need for “skinny” to our young? Perseus Books publishing house should be ashamed of themselves (and renamed Cuckoo Books) for not vetting and fact-checking their non-fiction works. Gah!
Here’s an article titled, Setting the Skinny Bitches Straight, that made me shout Hells Yeah! after every paragraph. And it was written by a skinny bastard too.
Filed under Awesome, book reviews, non-fiction, world news