Aphrodisiacs: Bottoms up, baby

Word Count: 1000 approx

Type: Magazine Feature, Adult Magazine (Warning – strong language)

Headline: Aphrodisiacs: Bottoms up, baby


Passionate love and sexual desire have always existed—so say the record keepers. They also say that throughout history, the most powerful political and religious authorities viewed these feelings as a threat to their political, religious and social order. They considered these feelings very dangerous and acting on such personal desires elicited a sexy individualism that challenged those very rule-makers. I always knew my sexual prowess could topple empires, but a threat to the social order? Awww yeah!

I say challenge those fuckers. Let loose your lusty appetites and ooze your sexual deviance for 50 ft. in every direction. (Yes, I would have burned as a witch. But I would have gone down flipping them off and spitting my jezebel juice into their eyes.)

For as long as there have been powers-that-be trying to quench our sexual appetites, there have been medicine men (of sorts) pushing some kind of weed, berry, or monkey foot into our mouths to help free our suppressed passionate spirits. Our rule-makers have inadvertently created an entire industry that is equally as dedicated to helping us put the va-va back in our voom.

Enter the aphrodisiac.

Named after Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of sensuality, love and fertility, aphrodisiacs are said to be a substance that increases sexual desire—not to be confused with sexual performance. (There are doctors out there specialized for that sort of thing.) Many foods and drinks have had a reputation for making sex more attainable and/or pleasurable, however, from a scientific standpoint; the alleged results are mainly due to the steadfast belief of its effectiveness by the person taking it. (Son of a… that tricky ol’ placebo effect got me again.)

Up to the eighteenth century, many aphrodisiac recipes were based on the theories of the Roman physician, Galen. He wrote that foods worked as aphrodisiacs if they were warm, moist, and made you windy—meaning; well… you know what I mean.  Galen believed that a “wind” inflated the penis to cause an erection, and consequently anything that made you gassy would also make you erect. Nothing hotter than a game of pull-my-finger. Who needs an ass whisperer? Anyone?

The popular folklore of certain foods increasing your libido persists. Take oysters for example, the cliché of all aphrodisiacs. Some historians theorize that oysters are considered aphrodisiacs because, evolutionarily, the origins of life began in the water.  So, like our amoeba ancestors, we have a subconscious desire to return to the primordial ooze to mate. Ah, romance!  It is also said that foods that remind us of sex organs are erogenous foods. Eating oysters can be akin to eating a woman’s ovaries or a man’s testicles. Um, eww. But, OK, sure.

Next to oysters, the most well-known aphrodisiac is the fabled Spanish fly. And this boys and girls is not just a legend. Such a thing exists. The active ingredient is the chemical cantharidin, found in blister beetles. Cantharidin irritates the genital membranes, so it’s believed to be arousing. (Uh, I hate to shit-pick on the obvious, but one should never ingest anything that begins with the word blister. That just makes you an idiot.)  Cantharidin is a deadly chemical that causes kidney malfunction or gastrointestinal hemorrhages. If given to a woman, it will severely irritate her urinary tract causing extreme burning and itching.  No, she is not grabbing her crotch in invitational desire; she needs to go to the ER.

Risking your life for a love potion is a whole lot more than just being stupid, it’s about being stupid AND desperate. The primal hunt for more powerful sexual surges and desire is hardwired into the core of our animal brains—our biggest sex organ. The mind moves in mysterious ways, right?  That’s because the most powerful stimulant to the central nervous system IS the mind.  (Please don’t ingest something that will kill you or rot your crotch. OK?)

Your mind is the most intense and unstoppable aphrodisiac of all.

After giving a litany of aphrodisiacs, the Roman poet, Ovid, once wrote in The Art of Love, “Prescribe no more my muse, nor medicines give / Beauty and youth need no provocative.”  Here’s a wordy man who knew how to seduce a woman. Imagination is erotic. Anticipation is sexy. It’s the opportunity for pressure to build and to get your juices flowing.

That said, there are still all kinds of men who desperately want to believe that there is a magic potion that will have a woman dry-humping the bed posts in seconds. To you lazy fuckers I say, gentlemen, the magic potion is you. Er, more specifically, in your mind. A woman’s desire for you is inexplicably tied to your desire for her. The hotter your desire is to crush her with your carnal delights—the more it will rain in her pants. Use your imagination. Tease yourself. Build the anticipation by playing out your dirty little secrets in your mind. By the time you come for her, she will be a bucking, slithering, panting mess of sexual frenzy.

This kind of necessary and fulfilling passion is no longer considered a threat to the very fabric of our social civilization. (Phew!) The rule-makers themselves (“I did not have sexual relations with that woman”) are subconsciously encouraging the very behaviour they once tried to discourage. Practicing the suppression of sexual desire has become a notion of the past—as has the need for potions to remedy it. Aphrodisiacs have become a fleeting sexual curiosity, a joke among friends, and an unnecessary sexual security blanket.

The best way to rev up your sexual mojo is to unleash your sexual mind. Bask in the tease and thrill your imagination. Take it slow and steady, and when you’re ready, be sure to put on your best come fuck-me eyes. Not the ones that make us giggle though, the other ones.