Lock up all the tooters—prohibition on public flatulence is here

For those of you planning on travelling to Malawi, you might want to reconsider your diet.  Government officials are slugging it out over the introduction of a new bill that is meant to battle pollution of the atmosphere in any place that might harm the public—and according to the Justice Minister—this means keeping your crack sealed.  I suspect he’s read one too many livestock-versus-the-environment articles.  Just to be clear Mr. Minister, it’s burping cows.  Burping.  

The Minister is not alone in his bid to ban normal body processes from public.  There is actually a Facebook fan page for the cause.  Seriously.  What is going on with these people?  And who do they live with that this has become a driving passion in their lives? Do they know that they could be depriving their off-spring of a normal upbringing?  I can’t imagine my youth without thousands of elusive ducks taking cover under the kitchen table while we ate—at least that’s where my father said they kept disappearing to.   Or my grandfather with his explosive finger that he came back from the war with. Go ahead—pull it and see for yourself.  Don’t even get me started on young boys who have such command of their innards that they can break wind at will—and provide a comedic display of musical accompaniment.  To this day I am still in awe of Danny O’Connell from 4th grade.  Dude—Stairway to Heaven is over 8 minutes long!

However, if you find yourself teetering on the side of pro-ban, there are options.  In 1998, Buck Weimer patented the first pair of underpants that had a replaceable charcoal filter.  (How bad must one’s gas be that you have to invent filtered undies just so you can stand to be around yourself?) If those aren’t your style and you’re looking for something a little more long-lasting, I’d like to point you in the direction of therapy.  If this bill is passed, it won’t be long before new practices start popping up alongside other natural healthcare practitioners referring to themselves as new-age ass whisperers.  Your benefits will cover it—not to worry.   

I, myself, am planning a career change in anticipation.  I’m going to set up a practice next to a community of cabbage-eaters. Oh hey… Malawi! 


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